I remember it like a sickness. When I was in my teens I was terrified of loneliness. The idea of sitting alone had a horror and a sadness to it that's difficult to define.
Around the age of 22 I realized that this fear was crippling me. It made me needy, and there is little in this world more pitiful than a person that literally needs another for sanity. I chose to become comfortable with myself.
It started with reading all kinds of philosophy texts, the classics mainly, like Nietzche and Kant. From there I discovered the existentialists; Dostoevsky, Sartre, Camus. Somehow that led me to Henry Miller, who in turn led me to Eastern philosophy.
I came to embrace solitude. So much so that I actually began to prefer it over company. Still do as a matter of fact. I think that I have felt lonesome perhaps 3 times in the past 10 years, mainly when I'm away from my family for more than a week at a time. And then it's not loneliness so much as homesickness.
Being a complete neurotic as well as a hermit however makes me wonder if this preference for alone time is healthy or not. It's not that I'm anti-social. More that I'm pro-solitude if that makes any sense. Is that such a bad thing?
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3 comments:
I don't think that being comfortable with your own company is unhealthy at all. In fact, there's nothing emotionally healthier than being able to be by yourself. I kind of envy you because over the last few years I've become less easy with being alone and I want to go back to how I used to be!
The loneliness catches up to me when I'm on the road sometimes: struggling to understand and be understood, wondering if this rambling man will ever find solace in anything but a rambling girl. In these times I feel even the wind has stopped talking to me. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't comfortable in my skin, but I also wouldn't be here if I wasn't ready to face the long nights of loneliness.
More and more I find myself craving some solitude. It gives me the freedom to be exactly who I am and do or not do as I please... free of fulfilling other peoples expectations of me. I rarely feel lonely when I'm alone in fact I can't think of a single instance in years. However I can think of several instances of feeling very alone and isolated while surrounded by people.
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