fuck winter

Winter sucks for me. I'm medicated year round in order to cope with the shorter hours of daylight thanks to SAD. Personally I think SAD is a genetic trait,a form of hibernation handed down from nomadic tribes. I get an incredible urge to move away, change jobs, change everything in my life every October, and if I haven't, I fall into a somewhat hibernative state. Right now I'm laying on my couch half awake, half asleep. I moved it in front of the window because the sun is shining, and bright lights are one of the treatments for this. I've felt this way for a few days now. If you know me at all, you would know that I am by no means a lethargic person. I've been accused of being 'on' all the time, of not being able to sit still. People comment on my incredible energy level, my optimism, my lack of temper as remarkable. None of that applies at this time of year. SAD isn't just wanting to do nothing. It's wanting to stop being. It's wishing for death at various points throughout the day, because the thought of all the days in front of you are overwhelming. It's not wanting anyone around you because you are disgusted with your own weakness and ashamed that you can't just 'man up'. It's wanting to sleep 18 hours a day, and still feeling drained when you're awake. I fight it every year, and I fight it hard. Every morning I take 5mg of cipralex, a b100, 4000iu of vitamin d, ginseng, fenugreek, vitamin C, and a coffee. I avoid sugars and fats, and I try to run about 3 times per week on the treadmill. I have had 2 good winters, both when I was marathon training. The other years, since I was about 17 or so have been a consistent battle to get as close as I can to April without breaking down completely; destroying my relationships, losing/quitting my job, destroying my health. I need to run to beat this. I hate the drugs I'm on because they barely impact this, but they do help a bit. I am not suicidal, but I want to die. I want to be hospitalized for something that will keep me bedridden and sedated for the next 2 months. Failing that I want to win the lottery. If I did, I would sleep, or move somewhere sunny. I hate myself for being like this. I promised myself I would run today. When the sun leaves the front window I'll do that.