I don't know where I left off. I left my wife and kids. This ruined everyone's lives.
I was implicated in an impaired driving suit that killed a beautiful family.
I developed an impressively destructive substance abuse pattern trying to live with the loneliness and guilt of destroying my family.
I went through 3 relationships after that, one of which still really hurts, one of which was pretty fucking traumatizing, one of which was really unfair to the other person, as I was in a state of complete dissociation the entire time and used her as escape.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after the last relationship, and have been dabbling in videos, articles and chats about DBT, mindfulness and such.
. I've been radicalized a couple of times, sliding further to the left politically all the time.
. I'm trying not to become obsessive about politics and other demons that consume me ,and mindfulness techniques have been pretty helpful. I lost my father over the last few years as well, had no relationship with my kids. I went homeless a couple of times, cut off a lot of friendships during COVID, isolated, went to rehab a couple of times. I lived in one of the worst buildings in the city, amidst the social detritus of the addictions and mental health pandemic. I didn't realize it l, but I stopped eating. I had no appetite, would seldom hit 1000 calories per day. That level of malnutrition causes a lot twisted thinking. I attempted suicide twice in that time. When I realized it, saw how crazy I'd gone, I decided I needed to climb out. I hadn't worked in at least a year, and my last few jobs had ended badly, as I was incapable of giving any fucks about anything (dissociation).
I took advantage of some employment funding, and I got certified as an Emergency Medical Responder. I needed it to get work as a remote camp cook and medic opportunity a friend had turned me on to. I clawed my way out of the hole I'd been living in.
I've been spending half my life in tents in forests and mountains across the north since then. About 3 years now.
I've been single for about 3 years as well now. Primarily due to learning that unmanaged BPD destroys people. I can very much relate to the old Sanskrit "I am become death, destroyer of worlds." I also learned that when not in a relationship, one with BPD is virtually asymptomatic, and I don't want to jeopardize my re-integration to the world getting all fucked over some fallen angel or broken-winged dove.
More recently I got out of the cesspool of downtown.
I live with a room mate now, a girl I worked with a decade ago, purely platonic.
We live on the top floor of deteriorating but still beautiful manor, in a bustling neighbourhood.
She fosters cats, which I love. I've foster failed twice, and now have 2 cats of my own. I think they've been instrumental in pulling me up. Unconditional love is a nice thing.
. I also bought a Jeep TJ, the expenses of which have kept me out of saloons. It's been instrumental as well. As much as I hate to admit it, having a chronic feeling of intrinsic worthlessness, I get a self esteem boost from the Jeep. I bought raybans and old school leather bomber as well, which have built my confidence.
I also get my thrillseeking demons out in the Jeep, a far healthier outlet.
I've been looking after myself a lot better over the last year. Paddling adventure are one of my newest and favorite hobbies.
Most importantly though, I am re-solidifying my relationships with my children. My youngest wouldn't let me even give them a ride throughout high school until this fall. But it's been consistent, and we are having good conversations.
I started concerta, which I think helps me engage. It helps me apply DBT skills as well when having trouble with tough emotions like anger or shame.
Anyway, that's all for now. Catch up done. Expect more content.
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