More old Pipelayin Facebook Notes.

Okay, about the hats.
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Wednesday, August 22, 2007 at 9:57pm | Edit Note | Delete
My friend started a group called "hats". I thought it was pretty damn funny, and the only thing that could be more amusing would be joining dozens of hat groups with no word of explanation. So that's the story behind the hats.
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The Nutritive Cost of Vice and Gradiated Stupidity.
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Sunday, August 19, 2007 at 1:21am | Edit Note | Delete
Alright people, I'm going to be talking about a young kid at work, and to protect his identity I'm going to be using a fake name, as I often do. 'Adnan' has dyed hair, tattoos of Jesus and the crucifixion all over him, his name in Chinese on his arm and a bit of a mental problem. I don't know what the mental problem is. It could be drug addiction, alcoholism, manic depression, paranoia, ADHD or all of the above. Who knows? Maybe he's just stupid. MAYBE he's just a moron.
Okay, now look, I have to go out on a tangent here before I tell you about Adnan. I call people 'moron' at times. A lot of the time actually. Often when I'm driving down the highway and some moron is going 110 in the fast lane, I'll call him a moron (like I just did apparently). The thing is this. While not polite, it's still somewhat socially acceptable to use the term 'moron' in a derogatory fashion towards someone who is not a moron. There are no issues of political correctness to concern one's self with. There is no vocal and active community of morons prepared to rise in outrage at any desultory reference to their group. And the term does have a specific meaning, and refers to a specific minority. People with a mental age of between 8 and 12 are considered to be morons. I like to call people morons. I used to like calling people mental retards too. But that was before the movement of political correctness. In most circles these days, calling someone a mental retard when they do something stupid (eg: Tom stands to leave his table in the bar and bumps his head on the light over the table, Bill says "Watch it you mental retard!) is frowned upon. Now a mental retard is someone with an IQ under 70. I don't really have time right now to look up the difference between someone with the mentality of a 12 year old vs an IQ of 70, but I'm guessing that it's a pretty fine line. What I'm wondering is why moron is politically correct for the most part, and retard is not. My theory is that often down syndrome is the cause of mental retardation, and down syndrome can be trying on the families of those it strikes. But retardation isn't always caused by down syndrome. Some people are just that stupid. My thinking is that it should still be okay to call a moron a retard when he fucks things up.
Anyway, Adnan is a moron I work with, and the other day we needed to lower a piece of equipment into a ditch. He said that they would probably just dump it down, but I said that they would use a sling to gently lower it in. At that point he got argumentative, and he was vehemently asserting his position over and over again. So being an ex-playa, and KNOWING that I was right, I decided to get the sucka to put his money where his mouth was. The problem was that he didn't have any money. So instead I got him to put his mouth where his money should have been. I bet him the meat out of his sandwich at lunch that I was right. He said "I'm not having a sandwich for lunch." and I said well whatever, I'll bet you the meat out of your meal that I'm right and he said "Fine, whatever, if I lose I'll just order another meal, I'm not paying for it anyway." (The company pays the bills) and "Hooper" heard him say this and he said "UH UH!!! NUH-uh! You can't gamble away your food and then expect the boss to support you. It's not his fault you're a food gambler!"
Anyway long story short, I was right, but Adnan (the retard) denies ever having bet the meat from his meal on it, so now I think he should at least owe me a burger patty. Or even 4 ounces of ham. The end.
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Cool Hand Andy
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Wednesday, August 15, 2007 at 11:42pm | Edit Note | Delete
Listen. A lot of us on facebook tell a few little lies to each other about how great our lives are and how happy we are and how healthy we are...etc. My life is great and has been great for the most part. The last 4 or 5 months of my life have actually sucked huge dick. The reason for this heinous dick suckage has been that I have been working. Those of you that know me well know that I despise the whole idea of work. You say 'work ethic' I say 'suckaz credo'. Anyway, I have been working because it's just a temporary thing and because the money in this job is just too good to pass up. I make about 3 times the money that I did playing cards (I have NOT quit cards, just on hiatus for the summer).
So the point here is that I hate work with a passion, any kind of work actually, but hard work in particular. Well my job is hard work. In addition to being arduous, strenuous, tenuous, laborious, monotonous, and sisyphusuous it is dehumanizing, humiliatiing, degrading and spirit-breaking. Now generally in job conditions like this I'd be all like "Fuck dis shit Jack I am OUTTA here!" But as previously mentioned this, job pays a lot.
Okay, so quick flashback which will soon have relevance. (I'm all over the place tonight, I know...long day.)
I worked in a restaurant years and years ago as a prospective sous-chef, and there was this Mediterranean psychopath running the place (half owner too). One night an order for a table of 5 came in right before closing, and the boys and I knocked that bill out in record time, and beeeeeyoootifully too. We had the food up on the pass bar, and in stormed this freaking psycho and he said "WHADDAFUCK IS ALL DIS FOOD DOIN HERE?!?" and being the guy ostensibly in charge I answered him, "We just put it up this minute." to which he responded to me "WHADDAFUCK ARE YOOO TOO FUCKINSTOOPID TO STICK YOUR HEAD OUTTA DA DOOR AND TELL EM DA ORDERS READY?" and on and on in a similar vein. Then he stormed out and I told the guys that I was working with that I would help them finish up and then I was going to tell that fucker 'I QUIT." Which I did, I told him "If you are going to disrespect me like that, I'd have to have no self respect to work for you." and I left. (It was a defining moment for me don't ya know.)
Fast forward to today. One of the bosses (another psycho) was going off and blowing his top on everyone including me for no good reason. He was cursing and swearing and foaming at the mouth, and all his instructions were marinated in sarcasm and hideous and sinful oaths. I was getting ready to snap because he was driving me nuts and I hate being sworn at and I hate being yelled at. NORMALLY I would deliver something like the "If you're going to disrespect me..." line. But because of the money and the short term nature of this job I'm sucking it up. So he would swear and curse and yell and I'd do what he asked and finally I did lose it and I threw down whatever it was I was doing and went to have a word with him. On the way though I had second thoughts and decided I would try to work out a deal with him, and I bowed a bit. I told him, "Look, you are yelling at everybody no matter what they do today, nothing is right apparently, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to confirm everything I do with you today before I do it." and he thought that was a great idea. And so did I for the first little while. He quit yelling at me. I was feeling like I'd beaten him until I realized that I was running back and forth to him for permission on everything like a little lapdog. I felt like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke, shortly after he 'gets his mind right." There was one moment today; I had a big chain in my hands and I stumbled and crawled across a big dirt hill to come up at his feet and tell him I was going to go and put the chain away and he said 'Good Job' and it was almost as if he was saying 'good dog'. It reminded me of the scene in Cool Hand Luke where Angel Eyes shoots the duck and Luke (in chains) runs off into the swamp to retrieve it. He comes back all panting and servile and obsequious complimenting Angel Eyes on the shot and the duck. That's how I felt, and it wasn't a good feeling. And then I thought fuck him, I'll win it in the end. I can go on with my life after I've collected my next 2 or 3 paychecks, and this is his life. I'm a natural born world shaker and he's a myopic dwarfen hick. I'm Cool Hand Andy, and in the end, I will run like I always run and they'll have to shoot me to beat me.
"He was smiling... That's right. You know, that, that Luke smile of his. He had it on his face right to the very end. Hell, if they didn't know it 'fore, they could tell right then that they weren't a-gonna beat him. That old Luke smile. Oh, Luke. He was some boy. Cool Hand Luke. Hell, he's a natural-born world-shaker."
Sometimes nothin' is a real cool hand.
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My Celebrity Look-alikes
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 at 3:31pm | Edit Note | Delete
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Hippocracy in the Really Cold War
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Sunday, August 12, 2007 at 11:33am | Edit Note | Delete
There is a new Cold War developing, and this one is a Reaaaaaally Cold War. It's the battle for control of the Arctic. The Soviet Union recently planted a flag on the bottom of the Arctic Ocean to stake it's claim. As I write there is a Danish ship loaded with researchers seeking to prove that the Arctic is an extension of the continental shelf off of Denmark. Norway is also making a claim to the region. Prime Minister Stephen Harper recently announced the construction of 2 new military facilities and a commitment of $7 billion to enhance existing patrol vessels in the Arctic to protect Canada's sovereignty. In fact Canada's defense spending is greater now than it has been at any time since the Second World War. The US supports Canada's claim to the Arctic, with conditions of course; those conditions being that the waters be recognized as neutral to allow US trade and military shipping to continue unhampered. Other news junkies might recall a flap in the early days of the Harper government involving a Canadian claim to the Arctic waters. This claim was hotly contested by then US ambassador David Wilkins. Previous to the Harper government's activities, Liberal Foreign AffairsBill Graham travelled with troops to the tiny half-mile long Hans Island. This was after a Danish politician had planted a flag with a note welcoming would be travellers to the 'Danish Island'.
So why the suddent interest in the Arctic? Well this is where the hippocracy comes in. All of these world players recognize that the poles are melting and opening up the arctic to shipping, drilling, mining and exploration. It's predicted (and widely accepted) that within 30 years the Northwest Passage will be a viable route for shipping and economic development.
So if the 'theories' of global warming are strong enough to support a Canadian defense spending increase equivalent to US defense spending ($22 billion this year), then why is our gov't actively pursuing a watering down of climate change agreements at the global table? Why are Bush and Putin and Harper all singing the same tune when it comes to committing to the fight against global warming-"...we do not know how much effect natural fluctuations in climate may have had on warming. We do not know how much our climate could, or will change in the future. We do not know how fast change will occur, or even how some of our actions could impact it." They all say that as of yet there is not enough evidence to support the idea of global warming. They sound pretty sure of it when it comes to Arctic sovereignty however.
A joint Canadian Forces and Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) team on sovereignty patrol in the High Arctic leaves Alexandra Fiord on Ellesmere Island.

Here are some links for all y'all to check out if this story interests you at all.
http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/story.html?id=3a6b622c-66f8-400d-aab5-a6bb41cf63a4&k=1088
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/08/09/canada.arctic.ap/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDrq0LNrh-A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqLvBUSJucg&mode=related&search=
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Updated over a year ago

Kelly Pickler.
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Saturday, August 11, 2007 at 2:21am | Edit Note | Delete
So I'm driving home from Wild Rose Country (keep that shit in Alberta!) back to the Land of Living Skies with my good buddy Sorge and the battery finally died in the MP3 player so we were stuck with the radio for entertainment. The DJ comes on and he tells this story about another DJ in the southern US. This US DJ was at a BK when who did he see but Kelly Pickler, one of the recent winners of American Idol. According to the report the DJ saw her dancing and singing and making a spectacle of herself on the hood of her car in the drive-thru. The next day he announced on the radio that he saw Kelly Pickler drunk and driving. Well she was irate and booked an appearance on his show to deny the allegations, and state that she was just very enthusiastic with a zest for life.
I was like "Uh, yeah right..." and Sorge said "I don't know, I believe she was probably sober, a lot of people get so excited about singing that they make complete imbeciles of themselves. Take you for instance..." he chuckled. But before he could continue the radio cut into Gwen Stefani's Sweet Escape and I burst out in a deafening "WOOOOOhoo! YEEEEEEEEEEhoo!" He just closed his thought with a laugh and "I rest my case."
Yeah...I'd Pickler.
In this note: Andrew Sorge (notes)
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There are times...
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Thursday, August 9, 2007 at 11:37pm | Edit Note | Delete
yeah there are times alright, when it's late and the sky is a certain color and the weather a certain way and the wind carries with it echoes and traces and shadows of things that were. There are times when you are alone and far from home and you become susceptible to memories and scents on the breeze and old photographs and silly songs and you get caught up in a lonesome sort of blues. Well let me tell you, that lonesome blues has me tonight, and the lines of a song keep occuring to me.
"The skies and the rivers
and the timberwolf in the pines
and that great jukebox
out on route 39
they say he travels fastest
he who travels alone
but tonight I miss my girl mister
tonight I miss my home"
And that's all I have to say about that.
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I know a lot of things
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Sunday, August 5, 2007 at 6:05pm | Edit Note | Delete
but I don't know a lot of other things. And most of the things that I don't know about happen at work. So I was enthralled the other day when a culinary question came up. Two heavy equipment operators were talking about making pasta, and a few others got involved in the conversation when it hit a point of contention. The point in question...why do you add salt to water before cooking the pasta. Some argued that it softens the pasta so that it cooks faster. The more scientifically inclined argued that it was because it lowers the boiling point of the water. Other theories were that it pulls starch away, keeps it from boiling over etc. I let them argue for a bit and then I said to them..."you guys know I used to be a chef right...you know that I was a food and beverage consultant...you wanna know why you add salt to the water before cooking pasta? I let them wait for a moment, and then I told them. "It makes the pasta salty." And that is the reason that you should add salt to pasta while cooking it.
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Working Class Hero
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Sunday, August 5, 2007 at 11:16am | Edit Note | Delete
There's this new song by Green Day called Working Class Hero and Sorge and I were driving along and Sorge doesn't care much for pseudo punk like Green Day but we both admitted that this song was some damn fine songwriting. Sorge said "yeah, but it's probably a cover" and so I looked it up when I got home and sure enough it's a cover of a John Lennon song. Here's a link to the video for the John Lennon version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njG7p6CSbCU

And here are the lyrics. This is my new favorite song.

Working Class Hero
by John Lennon

As soon as you're born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool
Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can't really function you're so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you're so clever and class less and free
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There's room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

and here's the green day vid, they did alright http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPPgeDhGzKY&mode=related&search=
In this note: Andrew Sorge (notes)
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Updated over a year ago

The Unsung Hero
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Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 1:12pm | Edit Note | Delete
Okay, just so we're clear right from the start; that's me. I'm the Unsung Hero. Of what pray tell?? Of too many Goddamn things to mention in one little note Jack! But today I want to write about my heroism in the area of...
COFFEE TIME
Cooper, you're going to want to pay attention here, because this is important.
A lot of you civillians and citizens of the everyday 9-5 world don't have to worry about coffee time. Maybe you were at home the night before and packed a snack to take to work, perhaps there is a cafeteria or commissary or Starbucks or Timmy's in close proximity to your workplace. You are responsible for your own personal coffeetime snack and that's it. You don't know...you can't know the burden that a coffetime guy carries on his shoulders. I'm the morning coffeetime guy at work. (I passed the afternoon coffee on to Cooper, a young up and comer who's still learning the ropes, but he's coming along.) I've got 20 men counting on me, 20 men who put their lives on the line everyday so that you, the peacefully oblivious citizens of this world can do your laundry and wash your dishes and shower and drink and flush your toilets. 20 men with 20 different tastes, 20 different needs. It takes a special kind of man to be able to cater to each, and at once cater to all. It takes a selfless man, a man with incredible intestinal fortitude...guts, because if you mess up even a little bit, then someone is going to go back to work with insufficient calories. That leads to fatigue, fatigue leads to error, errors lead to hideous and indescribable deaths. So when a guy like Cooper for instance...(I'm about to bring up the 'Jammers Debacle') decides that maybe all of these hard working men would like a case of Purplesaurus Rex sippy pack Kool-Aid Jammers, well, that's a decision that could kill someone.
Coffee man has to be able to suppress his own appetites and wants and think of the group. He has to be like Spock in that Star Trek movie right before he walks into that melting fucking dilithium reactor..."the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few".
Coffee man has to have an eye for detail as fine as a diamond cutter. How many guys eat fritters??? How many donuts did the fat guy take today??? Is he cutting back again or is he going full bore on the earth-bound track of the cholesterol roller coaster? The coffee guy has to be thinking ahead...anticipating changes in the weather, in the job, in the attitude of his fellow employees. Maybe a case of water will see a guy through the day on an average day, but when it's 30 above or higher, well it's going to take 2 or 3 cases to get through to the next coffee. Let me tell you about anticipating. I'm not going to mention any names here...but there is another coffee guy a lot like Cooper, I'll call him 'Hooper'. He's got a lot of heart, he wants to do what he can for the team...but he doesn't look ahead. I don't fault him for it. He can't help it, the kid only has so many brain cells going at once. You can see sometimes when he's just standing there staring off into space and scratching his ass that he's not all there, that he's a few pelicans short of a flock, so it's probably a mental deficiency of some kind. He just doesn't know what's going on around him. Knowing this, I anticipate that 'Hooper' will fail miserably when it comes to providing enough water for the crew, and I'll buy a little extra in the morning. It's all about having a guy's back after all. I really haven't even scratched the surface of being a good coffee guy here. I haven't talked about eyeballing the body fat percentages of the various crew members and determining a good program for them, I haven't talked about blood sugar levels, protein requirements,nutritional balance. Maybe another time. The main thing was to illustrate that the coffee guy holds the lives of the entire crew in his strong capable hands. And I think I have done that.
Instant Hero. Just Add Water.
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